Today the members of GWAR are pleased to inform their legions of followers, and even more so their many enemies, that once again the band is whole, with the proclamation that long-lost cousin of Flattus, Pustulus Maximus, has officially joined the band in the position of lead guitarist, and will join with the group on their upcoming Fate Or Chaos tour.
Pustulus offered his first words to the press with the following, "At this point I have nothing to say to the press, even though I am talking to you. I will let my guitar speak for itself. But let me add that I am blood-sworn to honor the legacy of the great Flattus and indeed the whole Maximus tribe. I didn't come here to fuck around. HAIL FLATTUS!"
But how did all of this come to pass? It was easy to get a quote from GWAR lead singer, Oderus Urungus: "Naturally we were devastated by the passing of Flattus. But we turned that grief into rage and set about the task of finding a new guitar player. The first thing we did was sound the mighty Horn of Hate, and alert all Scumdogs, scattered across the galaxy as they are, as to what had occurred. What people didn't know about Flattus was that was is part of a huge tribe of brutish warriors, The Maximus Clan. They are at the core of any Scumdog Legion worth its blood! Planet Maximus is just crawling with them!"
Oderus farted, blowing a hole in the wall, and continued: "Many of the tribe had fought and even played in bands with Flattus, and we began to get messages from across the stars. The Scumdogs were coming! Coming to Earth to lay tracks on our new album, and pay tribute to the mighty Flattus. Soon the War-Barges of Maximus tribe members began to appear in Earth's orbit...and land outside our great temple! Bubonis, Infectitcus, Fartacus, and many more-all have participated in the creation of the songs that shall be on our new album, which will be out sometime next year. But it was not until the hulking form of Pustulus appeared at the studio door, bloody guitar in hand, that we knew we had our new member. Here was a being that was supposedly born with a guitar in his fist, which of course resulted in the death of his beloved mother, whose body he immediately devoured. If anyone can replace our beloved comrade, it is this foul creature. Because he can fucking shred."
Little else is known about this being, other than that he has a skin condition where his face and feet are covered in painful pustules that can only be soothed by the application of savage metal, spoiled elephant semen or oral sex. Pustulus is also rumored to be half-deaf, which leads him to yell at everyone, which he does often, because he is convinced everyone in the band is ignoring him when actually he just can't hear what they are saying. It is not known whether he crashed his Scumship into Antarctica or wandered up from the depths of GWAR's Antarctic fortress - all that is known is that he is here, now, and is ready to rock.
GWAR tour dates:
October (with DevilDriver, Cancer Bats and Legacy Of Disorder)
12 - Philadelphia, PA - Electric Factory
14 - Clifton Park, NY - Northern Lights
15 - New Haven, CT - Toad's Place
16 - Brooklyn, NY - Music Hall of Williamsburg
18 - Atlanta, GA - The Masquerade
19 - Ybor City, FL - The Ritz Ybor
20 - Ft. Lauderdale, FL - Revolution
22 - Charlotte, NC - Amos' Southend
24 - New Orleans, LA - House of Blues
25 - Austin, TX - Emo's
26 - Dallas, TX - House of Blues
27 - Houston, TX - House of Blues
31 - Denver, CO - Summit Music Hall
November (with DevilDriver, Cancer Bats and Legacy Of Disorder)
1 - Albuquerque, NM - Sunshine Theater
2 - Tempe, AZ - The Marquee
3 - Santa Ana, CA - The Observatory
4 - West Hollywood, CA - House of Blues
5 - Santa Cruz, CA - The Catalyst
6 - Sacramento, CA - Ace of Spades
8 - Boise, ID - Knitting Factory
9 - Portland, OR - Roseland Theater
10 - Seattle, WA - Showbox at the Market
11 - Spokane, WA - Knitting Factory
12 - Vancouver, BC - Vogue Theater
14 - Edmonton, AB - Edmonton Events Centre
15 - Calgary, AB - MacEwan Hall Ballroom
16 - Saskatoon, SK - Odeon Events Centre
17 - Winnipeg, MB - The Garrick Center
18 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
20 - Grand Rapids, MI - The Intersection
21 - Milwaukee, WI - The Rave
23 - Detroit, MI - Harpo's
24 - Toronto, ON - Sound Academy
26 - Millvale, PA - Mr. Smalls Theater
December (with KEPONE, IRON REAGAN)
20 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club
21 - Norfolk, VA - The Norva
Keep up with GWAR at this location.