The math adds up nicely to grind fiends who don’t have real, full-time jobs, like me: three CDs, 118 songs, over three-and-a-half hours, 1987-1990… ah, yes, that adds up just fine. This behemoth, comprised of full live sets from John Peel’s BBC Radio 1 show, kicks off with Napalm Death. Noisy, ludicrously one-dimensional and, well… let’s face it, old Napalm hasn’t aged incredibly and is a bit of a tough slog (c’mon, admit it, I just did, and I love the band), although it is fun to hear the production values, along with the songwriting, get better as each of the band’s sessions plays out. Next up is Extreme Noise Terror, always the bridesmaids (too punk for metalheads, too metal for the punks). Their punked-up grind makes me feel good, like listening to Drop Dead, but at some point during their sessions I become confused. Is raw grindcore the best music ever or just a fucking headache? What’s with all the screaming? Why do the guitars sound like that? Does every song really sound the same or is it all a gag? Why is my heart racing so fucking fast? Carcass lay down the fucking law here, with music that sounds like a burp, but a catchy burp, and one that knows how to write some mean riffs. They ended their career with a strange attempt at death metal boogie rock, and somehow in this early sewer-grade material, if you’re tired enough and have listened to enough goddamn grindcore in one sitting, you can hear that. I’ve been making fun of this incredible compilation’s next band, Bolt Thrower, for about 14 years now, and now realize I’ve been wrong. I mean, I used to own War Master or some shit and thought ‘Cenotaph’ rocked, the three seconds of it that I can remember (where dude says “cenotaaaaph!”), but never actually listened to it once I stopped, you know, listening to it. I have no idea why I stopped listening to it. Bolt Thrower sound like fucking war. They are really awesome. Holy shit, I’m still on disc two here. Help. I really enjoyed the last few seconds of Carcass’ “Reek Of Putrefaction” back in their set. Hmm, I already can’t remember what Bolt Thrower sound like, and I’m listening to them right now. I am concerned that all music sounds like this now, and that I will never listen to anything that’s not lo-fi grindcore again. The good thing is that this shit makes me invincible. I listen to poorly recorded grindcore for unreasonably long periods of time, and I’m a superhero. I am iron man. And now Godflesh are making me feel like my blood is made of aluminum, with their insane early material causing quite a ruckus here indeed. Old Godflesh is ugly, ugly music, and it does provide a nice break from the grind madness found in the rest of this box. Trouble is, now I’m morbidly depressed and feel the world is about as pretty as the floor of a slaughterhouse in England on a damp, rainy stat holiday where we’re all working anyway, because these cows won’t slit their own goddamn throats. I always got Unseen Terror, Heresy and Intense Degree mixed up. It doesn’t help matters, Earache, that they’re placed together as the last three bands on here. Goddamn, I sound like I’m talking about the Grindcrusher compilation. My cassette copy of that, that weird little tab/pillow thing on the middle/bottom of the tape fell out years ago, so it plays like crap. Too bad, because that was one life-altering comp. Guess I could buy it on CD or on iTunes. Does iTunes have the Grindcrusher comp? Hold on… No, but they do have an EP by an electronic artist called Bong-Ra (and we thought metal was goofy!) called Grindkrusher. Hmm, do I buy this? Is it lo-fi grind? The answer to both is a hell no. So, Unseen Terror are pretty punky, pretty grindy, pretty whatever. Especially at this point in the compilation, when we’ve already climaxed and the end is in sight, but we’re just trying to get there without turning around, you know? Why do people sing like this? It, literally, sounds like the Cookie Monster. Not like Corpsegrinder does; more nasally, more comical, more grating. But I just Googled the lyrics for their tune “Odie’s Revenge” and am floored. Brilliant. Check that shit out. Unseen Terror, you rule. Heresy, whoa, you guys stick out like a sore thumb here. Not because you play lo-fi punked-up grindcore, because every band in the world plays that, but because you have some crap punk singer who sounds like the guy from Sheer Terror or the duder fronting the local skate drunk punk band who tries to sing in some weird melodic tremor croon and, weirdly, it kinda half-works. And what’s this, a bass-and-drum breakdown in the first song? Are you guys rapping? What the fuck? This is hilarious. It’s like Suicidal Tendencies’ worst moments, which are really fucking bad. (And, if we’re going to be honest, outweigh their good moments). Oh, wait, now Heresy sound like all the other bands on here (except Godflesh!). Guess that first song was a cover, or a joke, or their big experimental tune. Heresy has a song called ‘When Unity Becomes Solidarity’. That sounds very important. Maybe I should have been paying attention to the previous 97 song titles. Ah, yes… ‘Work for Never’, ‘After Life’, ‘Cadaveric Incubator of Endo Parasites’… this is important stuff. I can no longer explain what Heresy sound like, except Spazz probably enjoyed listening to this stuff when the dudes in the band were, like, one. Hmm, I just listened to Intense Degree’s entire section on here thinking it was still Heresy. This compilation sucks. This compilation rules. It’s the greatest release of all time. It’s a pile of shit. I can never listen to music again.
